i'm soooooo interesting.

PLEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAASE?

http://apps.facebook.com/contestshq/contests/174749/voteable_entries/39861095

(takes about 10 seconds)

(alternate title: SLUT HAS NEVER BEEN SO MUCH SLUT.)

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Hey, Asheville!  Sometimes the people who live in you can be super cool.  They come out to comedy shows and adopt pets from shelters.  Maybe they even help real people, too.  But sometimes the people who live in you get too high and do really stupid things.  Example ONLY: The “Slut Walk” that took place yesterday at the “(stoner laugh) phallic” Vance memorial.

(Before you start reading, don’t be an idiot.  Of course, women don’t deserve to be raped.  Of course, the police should listen to women who’ve been raped.  Of course, the police shouldn’t rape the women. Or vice versa. Or let the drug dogs join in.  Or let the dogs do drugs.  Or let the drugs get married to the women.  None of those things are good.  I get it. Calm down.)

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The first Slut Walk was in Toronto where 2000 people showed up to march after a police officer giving a seminar on safety offered the advice of women should “avoid dressing like sluts” in order not to be victimized.  He followed that with “Don’t tell people black people you have cash in your wallet.  And never let an American see you with free healthcare.”

Can you imagine that even with sensitivity training, a cop might say something less than sensitive?  And the fact that he’s Canadian is no excuse!  Sensitive cops are as illusive as unicorns or, less realistically, a compassionate health department employee.

“You got AIDS. Next.”

Here’s how much any government agency cares about you:

NYC, the ad council, and the health department want you to know, you’re an idiot.  No one is going to see those when they’re sober and remember them after they start drinking.  But when you see them as you stumble home dressed like a slut, they’ll read like the disappointed parent you made you this way in the first place. 

Then Toronto news chose these two girls to be the mouth pieces (nothing sexual, I swear!) for the Grande Canade Parade.

(What is an “S-I-U-T”?  Is the other girl saying that if a rapists were to just ask…?)

These women are claiming the word “slut”, much like the name Voldemort, is just a word and they’re taking it’s power away by using it in a positive context. Well, Suzy (aka She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Raped), I’m going to start a Cunt Walk.  We’re taking back the c-word and we’re being really c-wordy about it!

Why would anyone think you were open for business dressed like this?

(Julie, everybody!)

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Now back to Asheville…

POINT: “My clothing is not louder than my VOICE!”  

COUNTER POINT: What were you saying? I couldn’t hear you over the screaming of your cuffed pants.

POINT: “My outfit is not an invitation.”

COUNTER POINT:  However, all the kids RSVP’ed to my sexay partay when I sent them Ughs and maroon legginz.  Now let’s all watch V for Vendetta and dots our i’s with hearts because that is also relevant.

POINT: “Stop blaming us! Rapists cause rape, not our miniskirts.”

COUNTER POINT: A.) You should have highlighted the letters S-T-U-P-I-T. B.) Racists cause race. C.) You’re not even wearing a miniskirt!

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Oh, and the chanting!  It was, shall I say, en-chanting.  

“Whatever we wear,

Wherever we go,

Yes means yes

And No means no.”

Totally, Norma Rape.  Unless you go to Best Buy, where their sales policy is that the first two no’s are maybes.  Sound familiar?

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And this girl…

What a slutty pig!

(Who’s the terrible person, now?  Still me?  Fair enough.)

What is a toprevent?

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I’ve watched the News 13 video a few times and my favorite parts was wondering who gave the chubby girl the sign that says “Consent Turns Me On”?  Aww, she thinks she’s a part of it, spouting off, “It’s not these booty shorts or my cleavage… It just shouldn’t be a big deal.”  It’s not. Don’t worry.

Also another spokeswoman said, “We wanna be out here saying no.  We’re agents.  We’re autonomous agents… Slut what? Slut yeah!”  Touche.  Slut what, slut yeah, indeed.

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Finally, the organizer of the event, UNCA student, Alexandra Bent.

What’s with all the clothes Alexandra?  Afraid of sexual assault?

Much better.

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It’s not the police or the sluts that decide if people get raped.  It’s the rapists.  

Is it entirely possible that you’ll be raped in your home while reading “Eat Love Pray” to your beagle?  Yes.  

Is it slightly more likely that you will be raped if you are drunk, dressed sluttishly (?), and/or walking down a dark alley that has a rapist in it?  Yes.  

Rape isn’t funny but people who don’t quite understand the concept are.

 If I never hear another rape joke, will it’ll be too soon?  

Yes, but I feel the same way about never hearing about another rape.

ishouldwrite2books asked: Today, I had someone who apparently got her entire outfit at your place. Did you sell a little tiny old lady with platinum blonde hair & wild burgundy streaks a fur headband with silver studs recently?

It’s embarrassing to eat a banana in the car.  Mostly because I absorb their nutrients through my butt.  (Butt, seriously folks.  (I’m starting off strong today.))  Why do I think anyone would enjoy watching me eat a banana, you ask?  Because I have a very active imagination.

“What if a trucker sees me with a banana, and drives his rig next to mine waiting for this:”

“…But then he loses control and wrecks because what he gets is:”

(If you know me, you’ve seen this face.)

“…Then his precious cargo, the state’s weekly supply of Mountain Dew is cast upon the highway!  Children will go thirsty!  Greedy marauders will swarm the highway collecting cans of dey energy serum!  But like mana from Heaven, when you take more than you need it turns to dust in your mouth!!” 

I can’t shoulder that kind of responsibility.

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Also, did you know it is impossible to turn up the volume in your iPod headphones with the knob on the car radio?  It is!  Even if you try more than once!

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The first thing I did at work today was design a hip new logo for Hospice.

Artificially pink flowers and paperwork in a trash can.  What better way to symbolize the American dream fading to black?

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I poured the water out in the toilet and now it looks like the pink slime from Ghosbusters 2 is coming out of the sewer, feeding on the dispair and hopelessness that is the mall.

May Vigo the Carpathian destroy us all.

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Just heard this: “I’m not gonna buy back anything I donated!”

Good.  You shouldn’t.  Why does this need to be a declarative statement the moment you walk in the store?  Now it’s my goal to seek out what you donated and talk you into buying it.  Those are the high pressure sales I dreamed of getting into when I first accepted this job.

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To my kind-of co-worker,

Calm it the fuck down.  For realsies.  You come in on your day off to see if anyone bought the outfits you coordinated the day before?  Then, in your most serious and offended voice, you tell me that, yesterday, two teenagers walked by, laughing, and said “Let’s shop at Hospice” in a manner that wasn’t sincere!  May you never find my this blog (like most people) because your brain would implode.

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My first find of the day!  Three belts made by a very thin, very cheap safari hunter.  A leopard, a snake and a teal alligator died for these belts!  

“I’d still have that figure if I didn’t nom all my prey.”

Buy all three and save at our Easter Intravenous sale.

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Said the loud mall lady as she Zumba-zoomed past the store front, “I am now the bread winner and…” And what? Come back!  Are you a professional indoor speed walker?  Is the prize for that Nature’s Own Honey Wheat?! Tell me your secrets!

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We’re having a special on ties that don’t make sense.

This is the “Cupid.” Cupid was the god of love and misshapen facial features.  I didn’t know angels (or whatever) had belly buttons.

His mother is Venus, his father is Mars, and his neonatologist is being sued for leaving him with an “outy”.

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This tie features an organ grinder with his monkey and a scene from Sweeney Todd.

If you love capuchins and barber shop murder musicals, this tie is for you… to hang yourself with because, as of right now, life cannot get any better!

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A denim Kimberly-Clark work shirt!!  There is a very small group of people who would buy this shirt: ladies named Kimberly Clark, and people who want to dress up as people who work at Kimberly-Clark for Halloween.

“I couldn’t think of anything scarier than manufacturing products for people to pee, poop, and blow their noses in… staying in landfills forever!”

That’s quite enough of you, hippie!

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Ladies!  This purple suit will make you the envy of all the other administrative assistants and Secretariats.  It’s made of UltraSuede (because what’s better than suede?).  Your boss will be as flaccid as this limp bow tie when he sees you at the office on Monday.

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Ever wonder what models wear when it’s cold?  Models Coat brand coats for models, of course.

I guess that makes my boyfriend’s mom a model!

Fun fact: The only word I know in Spanish is “housecoat.”

BATA BATA BATA BATA BATA BATA BATA BATA BATA.

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I am so committed to a joke that I have lice now.

(On a less itchy side note, recently some kid said to me after a show:

“You were funny.  But you wore that shirt last week.”

Oh, I guess he’s only seen me twice.  Perhaps his third Katie Hughes/blue plaid shirt experience will cement the notion that I only have one shirt and plan on making a career out of it.)

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Well, Mom and two other people who enjoy this, that’s all for today.  If you want to have the full mall experience whilst you read, put on your favorite CD of babies crying over a monophonic version of “Ring Around A Rosie” from a distant video game.